I’m going to write this post with the least amount of deprecation possible. I’m even going to look past the cliché subject title.
The creation of this website is based on the last 3 whirlwind years of my life. I sometimes think they were whirlwind because I’m getting older–and, as the old adage goes, the days go by faster as you get older. But that is not necessarily the case. Here’s why I know.
3 years ago I ended a several year-long relationship. Shortly after that I started another one. A year into the “other” one, my partner and I were still together and he was diagnosed with Non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. There is nothing to describe the feeling of a loved one’s cancer diagnosis. It feels like a life sentence–and it actually is, but for different reasons now.
My partner, Bill, is in remission as of last year and he celebrates every day. Around the same time he went into remission, I got a new job and moved in with him. We still worry about it returning, but we know his oncologist will take every precaution possible. We are still visiting her every 3 months for check-ups.
November last year, Bill and I we were engaged. January of this year, I lost my job.
“Lost” is such a strange way to describe a job. Where did it go? Is it like losing a dog? I’d say it is kind of like losing a dog if you really love it. However, to date, I’ve yet to have a job that I truly love.
If you do what you love, will you really never work a day in your life? I’m pretty cynical, so I can’t say I actually believe it. But now, I have to try.
When I graduated college with my Bachelor’s in English from my dream school, I had set sights on becoming a writer. I pursued English because I love to write, not because I love to read. I enjoy reading, but am admittedly a slow reader which makes tackling masses of novels in a year/semester/quarter, not something I’m especially fond of. I like to savor books slowly like a rich dark chocolate torte. I also like to be out and about, walking. Much like a plein-air artist, I like the idea of walking to a park or a coffee shop, watching the sights around me, listening to conversations or to children playing, then sitting with my thoughts and writing. That experience is like drinking ambrosia to me. I’m intoxicated but I’m fueled. I’m immersed in it all and I love to stew in it.
So here I am, planning a wedding, living rather secretly unemployed. I am grateful every day that Bill loves me and is so supportive. He is supportive of me developing myself and figuring out who I am and what I love. Somewhere in loving others and trying to make a career for myself (which didn’t pan out) I forgot quite a lot about what I love.
Healthily loving things is an act of self-care. Here’s what I know I still do love:
- Time in nature
- Listening to podcasts
- Listening to audio books
- Listening to lectures
- Completing projects
- Solving problems
- Being organized
- Pampering (getting a massage, facial, manicure or pedicure, hair done, etc.)
- Laying in the sunshine
- Hot showers
- Eating delicious food
- Communicating with loved ones
Today I’ve done… maybe 3 of those things. Soon to be 4 as I plan to have sushi for dinner (which Bill and I love).
I want to be able to incorporate more of doing what I love in my life, and not do things just because I think I should. This is my way of doing it.
Yes, my goal is to put it all out there. Let it all hang out. Be real. Go balls to the wind. You know what I’m getting at. This is probably going to get pretty confessional. (Could I possibly become a confessional professional?) If you’re not okay with that, please turn away and hope for a better post next time. If you are, then take my hand… and let’s skip together in the sand.
No further confessions at this time.
May good things come to you always.
I am leaving you with this poem by Max Ehrmann which was recommended to me.