The last few days have been strangely difficult for me. The only way I can describe it is that my brain feels disconnected from my soul, and I seem having a hard time maintaining presence. This is a continuation of the feelings I experienced when I wrote my last post.
There are many possible contributing factors–hormones, diet, physical pain, etc. I have been keeping to my morning and evening yoga practice routine, so that has probably helped some. This evening I ate a healthy dinner and had no alcohol. For lunch, however, I did eat frozen yogurt. I also had a little bit of potato salad with dinner, and I’m thinking I need to stay away from potatoes for a while as they leave me feeling terribly bloated in such a degree that I’m on the verge of nausea.
I had a little bit of a breakthrough on the phone with my mom today. I realized that the podcast trigger I wrote about in my last post was a comparison issue–I was comparing my experience with the interviewee’s experience. It’s not so much the experience comparison that is inappropriate, but it was that the entire podcast is dedicated to self-development. Self-development is something that really can’t be compared, as each person is very different. Perfectly timed, I’ve been reading Brene Brown whose dedicated her life’s work to writing and speaking about shame, the shame spiral and how to rise up from it or beyond it. Honestly, I feel like I’ve been living a shame spiral for the majority of my life. I’ve denied myself fully celebrating my achievements at times because I didn’t feel like I’d actually deserved or earned them.
I’m not going to go down that path though. Not today, Satan! I can’t relive those unfulfilled moments. But I can focus on the present and how I will allow myself to experience things going forward. And, while I allowed myself to have a good cry on the bathroom floor this afternoon, I also peeled myself off of the floor and took a 2.5 mile walk with Bill around the neighborhood. Frozen yogurt for lunch was a nice treat during that walk as well, as it’s been very hot and humid lately.
Yesterday I wore my pajamas most of the day. More importantly, I played my guitar for the first time in several months. I learned some tabs quickly to Smokey Robinson’s “More Love” and recorded a couple guitar tracks and several vocal tracks of myself singing it using GarageBand. I’ve done this sort of thing before, but hadn’t done it in years. It was a great release and, in retrospect, I found it quite fun. The scariest thing in the world is to share my recording with anyone else in this world, but I did share it with Bill. His response was the sweetest, of course. He’s always very supportive.
Today, after our walk and my crying session, Bill asked me what was wrong. In little detail I touched on my shame spiral, which prompted him to ask for more detail. I saw where the conversation was going–we’ve had many like it before–and it has not typically been a helpful conversation for me to have with him. Like any loved one who sees the person they love in pain, he wants to fix it. I know he can’t fix it and I would never give him the hope that he might have the power to, so my best response for his question is the obvious–there’s nothing he can do to convince me that I shouldn’t feel the shame, that only I have that power and until I come around he’ll have to accept that I feel that way. In those moments, I’ve gained real clarity about how to communicate my thoughts. Those are small moments, but they are something–and I’ve heard something is better than nothing, which is typically what prompts me to pick up every penny I find on the ground in front of my face.
Though I feel quite “blah” physically–somewhere in between ill and nothing–emotionally I do feel better after my crying session. It was mostly comprised of confusion and of me asking whatever higher power exists for help (for whom I’ve simply kept the name God because it’s easily relatable, one syllable, and is so ingrained it rolls off the tongue without a second thought). I’ve watched Iyanla Vanzant many times on OWN and appreciate her down-to-earth mantras, especially for when someone needs help or guidance from a higher power. Her self-professed prayers are, “God, help;” “God, help me;” “God, help me now.” Today was a “Help me now” kind of day. As far as I’m concerned, I was helped because I do feel better. (Thank you.) Now if I can only get my back thing situated? It started getting stiff again today–I think I sat too long playing guitar yesterday.
Starting Sunday, I will be heading up to Santa Barbara for a few days with Bill–he’ll be working, I’ll be hanging around. I’m not quite sure what I’ll do, but it looks like I’ll be needing my yoga mat and props. Probably a swimsuit too. I anticipate not blogging while up there, but will likely keep my journal close.
May good things come to you always.